Breaking the cycle of violence

Domestic violence does not discriminate by age, socio-economic status, marital status or cultural background. One Clare woman, who suffered more than 20 years of physical, sexual and mental abuse, tells her story to Dan Danaher in an effort to get more victims to come forward and seek help

“Looking back, our relationship first turned sour when I became pregnant in the late-’70s outside of marriage. From the outset, my partner didn’t want me to have a baby and instead proposed an abortion. I decided to stay with a relative for the last few months of my pregnancy,” said Ann*.
The first incident of physical abuse occurred shortly after their marriage, just months after moving into their home. “At the height of an argument, he started bashing my head against the door and in self-defence, I hit him to get him off of me. He went ballistic. He got me down on the ground, kicked me in the stomach. I kept calling out; I was experiencing shocking pain. He came over and dragged me up to the bedroom by my hair.
“He kept saying it was all my fault; I should not have hit him. I didn’t confide in anyone because I didn’t know what to do.
“Five minutes after the incident, he was back saying, ‘I love you, it was all your fault, you should not have made me do this’.
“He could go for weeks without talking to me. During the silent treatment, I would not have a clue what was wrong, I only knew he was cross. I knew he was going to snap because you could feel the tension building.
“After an incident, there would be a spell when things would seem to be okay but he was still not communicating. If I asked him what was wrong, he would get annoyed and always put the blame on me.”
Following a number of miscarriages, Ann gave birth to their second child.
“I thought about leaving several times with our two young children but was terrified when he threatened to kill himself if I left him. He said he would make sure I would not have the children and he would say I was an unfit mother. He always thought he was right and I was wrong. He behaved like as if he was God.”
Her husband said the only way he would leave was if she called the gardaí. At one point, several years into their marriage, she did just that.
“He kept taunting me to call the guards and was pushing the phone at me to do it. I remember calling the gardaí but their response left me feeling even more frightened, powerless and isolated. I was told that gardaí could remove him for a night following a domestic incident but he would then be free to return the next day.
“I tried to leave that night and contacted my sister; she was the only family member that knew. I had never disclosed any details around my abuse to anyone until then. He left that night but returned the following day and pledged to leave for good if I let him stay for two weeks.”
In spite of reluctantly agreeing, he failed to fulfil his promise to Ann. “Instead, one night after informing me it was his conjugal right, he forced himself on me and raped me, which resulted in our third child being conceived.
“He would constantly put me down, particularly in relation to things I was good at. He would say I couldn’t cook. I loved cooking.
“Anytime my family and friends would call, he would make them feel very unwelcome. He would continuously give me dirty looks while they were there. Eventually, people stopped calling to the house because they felt so unwelcome.”
No matter how much later her husband came to bed, he would regularly wake her up with a slap across the head. “He would not let me sleep or he would demand to have sex with me. If I didn’t, he would slap or kick me. Sometimes he would kick me out of the bed and I would have to sleep on the floor. He insisted that I was not allowed to go downstairs.
“On other occasions, we could be sitting down watching television and end up having an argument. He would put words into my mouth and twist everything that I would say. He would hit me. I had to look him in the face while he kept poking me into the chest with his finger.
“I recall one frightening incident when he came in from the kitchen with a glass and became incensed when I knocked it out of his hand.
“He grabbed me by the hair and I couldn’t move. He pushed me to the ground and tried to make me eat the glass. One of my children intervened and pushed him off of me. That was the first time the kids got involved but I am sure it was not the first time that they were aware of the abuse.”
During pregnancies, Ann was subjected to the silent treatment and the newborn baby was treated as an inconvenience. Even when there were complications at one birth, he continued to emotionally abuse her in the delivery room. As the years went by, the situation got progressively worse as she struggled with working five or six days a week, dropping the children to school or to the child minder and running the home.
“I became physically and mentally exhausted, was constantly tired and turned into a nervous wreck. Even when being awoken from my sleep by my children, I would jump in fear. This nervousness has stayed with me until recent times and I often have nightmares.”
A series of serious incidents occurred in the late 1990s, including being stripped naked and locked out of her home at night, being kept awake all night and not being allowed to go to sleep.
“I reached rock bottom. I took an overdose of medication prescribed by my doctor for chronic stress. Before I passed out he said, ‘you have lost the kids now’ and started laughing. That night he went over to my parents and said I was mad in the head and he couldn’t control me.
“I believe that he also tried to convince my psychiatrist the same. When I woke up in hospital, he was holding my hand and promised to help me and said I wouldn’t have to work any longer. Two weeks later, he beat me up again and gave me a black eye.
“After the overdose, I had to see a psychiatrist, who confirmed I wasn’t insane and hadn’t done it intentionally. My body had taken what it believed was the only course of action to escape a dreadful situation.”
Ann believes that this incident prompted further psychological abuse as he tried to make her believe that she was an unfit mother.
“As part of my recovery, a professional suggested that we attend family therapy. I had been beaten up the day before and was asked by the therapist how I got the black eye. I didn’t answer because I was afraid. When the therapist asked him if he was responsible he replied, ‘that is debatable’.
“I was shocked that he could not see his behaviour. After two or three sessions, I rang up and cancelled the next appointment as I felt my husband continued to put me down. He insisted everything was my fault and said I was a lunatic. He used these therapy sessions as a means to abuse me afterwards, the emotional abuse never stopped.”
In a bid to make a fresh start, they moved to another house. “I knew nobody and I was more isolated from my family and friends. The abuse got more intense from this point on. The first night we moved into the house, he beat me up. He wanted to have sex that night but I was too tired from moving and beat me up because of this.
“I came to the realisation that it was easier and safer for me to give in to his demands. Nine months after we had moved to the countryside, he eventually moved out. I had confronted him over talking on the phone to another woman.
“While I always had suspicions there were other women throughout our marriage, I couldn’t prove it. He always denied this and suggested I was making it up. I usually ended up being beaten up as a result of this. I had to stop asking.”
During one assault, Ann fell and hit her head and went unconscious. “My children witnessed this assault. He threw a bucket of water over me and started hitting me in the face to wake me up. Later, the children talked of the horrific fear they experienced during this particular assault.”
Soon after they separated, he tried to enter the house one night. “I was too afraid to change the locks as I felt this might make him more angry.”
A few years ago, they participated in family mediation but he failed to honour any of his promises, which was to pay the mortgage and electricity. He tried to turn their children against her.
“He often got them to lie to me and used the children to control me. He abused access by not being there at agreed times. He would demand I would stay for dinner, even though I would have a very long journey back home. Unusual things would happen to coincide with birthdays or family occasions, such as damage to the tyres on my car.”
He split Ann’s lip in a fit of rage after hearing she had a few dates, as she tried to get on with her life. “It was at this point somebody told me about Clare Haven. From the support I got from Clare Haven, I learnt about how the abuse impacted on me and my children and other relationships.
“I am glad to say now that I have survived domestic abuse and am starting to rebuild my life. I’m very fortunate to be with a man who shows me great support and patience. At the early stages in our relationship, I found it strange and uncomfortable for someone to show me so much respect and support. I feel safe in a relationship for the first time.
“Through Clare Haven, I have picked up the pieces and can now look forward to a new and better life,” concluded Ann.
For further information on Clare Haven, contact 065 6842646 or email, clientcare@clarehaven.ie.

* Name changed