MOVIE REVIEW

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

DIRECTED BY: Chris Weitz
STARRING: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattison, Taylor Lautner
CERT: 12A

MY teenage daughter is the world’s biggest Twilight fan. She tried to convert me some time back by persuading me to try the first book. How bad can it be I thought to myself?
Well, after the surgeons reinserted my frontal lobe via the nostrils through which it had started to leak by the end of the first chapter, I confiscated the rest of her books and burned them on the town green. I was swiftly joined by several other fathers, weighed down by Stephenie Meyer books and a deep anxiety of the soul. And it wasn’t long before we had a nice big Twilight bonfire going.
As we stood there, holding hands and singing hymns, watching the flames jump higher into the ink-black sky, I thought of Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451 and of all the mass book burnings down through history. And I said to myself: Sometimes, it’s just the right thing to do.
Of course, the young one managed to secretly restock her vampire library and when the first Twilight film came out, her mother snuck her away to see it behind my back. Yes, I know. But it gets worse.
Last week, our local cinema put on a midnight screening of the new movie. And under extreme duress – there was a lot of shameful marital bribery involved – I was dragged along and found myself surrounded by 300 squealing girls and their swooning mothers for what seemed like four days.
You’ll understand if the details are a bit hazy, but here’s what I remember.
There’s a girl called Bella, who seems to be miserable all the time. She has a thing for some guy called Edward, who looks like he could do with a few sandwiches and a nice cup of tea. And they could both do with a good laugh.
Bella wants to be an immortal vampire like Edward, because she doesn’t think he’ll fancy her when she’s old. He’s not keen on the idea, probably because he doesn’t want to be listening to her mopey nonsense for all eternity. So he ditches her in the woods. And after several months of shouting and roaring in grief, she starts hanging out with a werewolf called Jacob instead. He likes going around with no shirt on (the girls and their mammies liked that). But, like the Incredible Hulk, his pants always seem to survive the transformations.
Bella starts doing dangerous stuff, like going on motorbikes and jumping off cliffs, because Edward’s ghost always appears when she’s in peril and she likes that. But then some rasta vampire and a redhead lady vampire turn up to kill her and Jacob and his wolf pack family fight them off. Because that’s what werewolves do.
Meanwhile, Edward is gone to Italy to meet with the vampire godfathers. He wants them to kill him, or something. But then Bella turns up and saves his life because the godfathers can’t read her mind. Or something. By this point, my nose was starting to ooze frontal lobe again.
On the upside ­ with the possible exception of all that bare wolfman torso – the women of the house didn’t think much of it either. Perhaps my reluctant sacrifice was not in vain.

Harry Brown

DIRECTED BY: Daniel Barber 
STARRING: Michael Caine, Emily Mortimer, Iain Glen, Liam Cunningham 
CERT: 18

THIS one will strike a chord with anyone who’s fantasised about putting manners on their local scumbags. And anyone who enjoys a well-made film, for that matter.
Harry (Michael Caine) lives on a council estate overrun with thugs and skangers, and since his wife’s death, he has had only his friend Len (David Bradley) for a bit of company. Harry minds his own business and though he’s a former Royal Marine who can well look after himself, he tends to avoid trouble.
But when Len is murdered and the police don’t seem too pushed about getting on with the case, Harry decides he’s had enough and goes on the warpath to make sure justice is done.
It’s a pleasantly slow-burning tale of vengeance that hits a timely note and Daniel Barber directs with an assured hand. Michael Caine gives a very fine performance as the unconventional hero, a man you’ll be cheering on even at his darkest and most violent. Emily Mortimer and Liam Cunningham give strong support and Ben Drew is convincing as the hoodrat-in-chief. Fine stuff.