On the couch

It’s a rare thing for a sequel to be better than its predecessor. Traditionally follow-up films suffer from second album syndrome. In an effort to bigger, better, darker, insert-superlative-here, whatever makes a flick great is lost and the result is something that would best be served in the dog’s bowl at dinner time. The Matrix Reloaded for example.

There are some notable, nay extraordinary exceptions – Aliens managed it. Godfather 2 and Empire Strikes Back as well. And of course Weekend At Bernie’s 2 was the finest of the series.

However, conceding that GI Joe: Retaliation is considerably better than its antecedent should not, in any way, be seen as a tacit acceptance that it should be ranked anywhere close to those four sparkling diamonds of the cinematic pantheon.

GI Joe 2 is the least dumb in a family of dumbasses. It might be smarter than Ma, Pa and uncle Amos with the lazy eye, but it still moves its lips while it reads and needs to phone a friend when counting to 20.

The story – or at least a few shreds of dialogue used to tie together the random clatter of action scenes director Jon M Chu clearly spent some time labouring over – is both stupid and overly complicated. It revolves around COBRA (the bad guys) massacring the GI Joe forces leaving only a handful to save the day and clear their organisation’s name.

One of the few redeeming characteristics are the scenes Channing Tatum spends on screen with Dwayne Johnson. The Rock takes up tough guy duties alongside the former Magic Mike star and the two ooze bro charm at each other in the best sort of buddy-cop movie manner, eliciting most of the film’s very few laughs. (The other two gags go to Bruce Willis. Probably a contractual thing…)

Other than that, however, there’s not a whole lot for the Joe movie to shout “Ooh-rah” about. The piecemeal story is baffling at best and depends heavily on audiences having seen the first film and retaining details of its plot. A big ask given the target age-group and general quality of proceedings.

The absence of several of the more ‘heavyweight’ stars – Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Christopher Ecclestone in particular – are  awkwardly sidestepped, one with a silly mask, the other with a clunky line of dialogue and the film is worse for their absence.

Johnson, the lunk of choice for a new generation of action movie directors, is about good as possible in such a poorly written role in such a badly-made picture.

Like Arnie in the ’80s, he has a rare combination of screen presence, hulking physique plus the added bonus of the ability to crack a joke or rattle off his lines without sounding like he’s reading off cue-cards attached to the side of the camera or the director’s head. Surely it’s only a matter of time before he runs for Governor of California?

Leading the old guard, meanwhile, are Bruce ‘Just Gimme the Damn Money’ Willis and Jonathan ‘My Diet Comprises 90% Scenery’ Pryce. When the day comes for either man to shuffle off this mortal coil it’s unlikely GI Joe will feature in the clip reel of their finest work.

The youngsters on show – Adrienne Palicki, DJ Cotrona and Elodie Yung – all display about the same level of acting ability as their soon-to-be-lost-down-the-back-of-the-fridge action figures. It’s likely that their affordability was their most alluring attribute in auditions.

Despite it’s myriad flaws GI Joe: Retaliation is almost certain to get a sequel so, if the series’ current trajectory remains constant, the third installment may reach the dizzying heights of just being bad.

It’s a hell of a step up from god awful anyway.