Fairytale television

Marguerite McGrath reviews this week’s television.

SO they all lived happily ever after…tears, ooh and aww! The Beeb may have had the best overall coverage but once I threw E! into the mix, the occasional tabloid lover in me and my gathered group of friends was more than satisfied. Fashion, the panel’s lack of actual knowledge of who anyone was coupled with the Angela Rippon’s royal anecdotes made for some trashy TV and boy did we lap it up.
But forget the actual wedding of Wills and Kate, or should I say the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I am not here to go over coverage of the event itself. Oh no, I am completely and utterly committed to the, ahem, cough, splutter, best made-for-television movie there ever was. Kate and Wills: The Untold Story aired on Channel 5 and TV3 last Thursday night and what a story it was. Everything about it was completely cringe worthy. From the clothes to the acting, nothing, not one minute of this film, was anything other than utter cheese and I am not talking your average cheddar here. I mean full on stinking to high heaven, the fridge needs a good clean out afterwards French-imported cheese. It was acted by two doe-eyed robots that had clearly been picked because they had nothing else to do for a couple of weeks and had the ability to walk, talk and stare blankly. It was hilarious!
Like all made-for-television movies there were some stand-out moments. Most notably, the ‘lunge’, the ‘swim’ and of course ‘the proposal’ were some quality pieces of acting and direction. I actually believe that if they were rounded up, covered in a paper bag, given a hose and asked to act their way out of it, they would have to have to be rescued by the real Prince William in his RAF helicopter.
In short, despite having to cover one’s face with a pillow from time to time when things became too much, it was the perfect antidote to all the pomp and circumstance (I wonder just how many times that has been used in the past months) of the actual event.
But back to the most memorable moments and, bare in mind, these are in no particular order.
Number one – The Lunge. Kate and Wills are sitting on the couch in front of a roaring fire. They are supposed to be studying but nothing can stop them from gazing into each other’s eyes. With the heat from the fire coupled with the heat from what I can only imagine is the chips in the robotic actor’s brains overheating because there is absolutely no chemistry between them, they lunge like two tigers in the wild and so the romance has begun. Wonderful!
Number two – The Swim. Devestated by their break-up, Kate consoles herself by turning her attentions to some charity rowing. Her heart still burns for William but he needs his space. Doubts creep into his mind as he pouts his way around the RAF training camp. No mobile phones in sight, he reaches for a pay phone in the rain…oh pathetic fallacy, how are you? She will not answer so he must go to her. Sports jacket and weary security guards in tow, Wills reaches the lake. Kate stands atop a boat motivating the other young rowers to victory. Refusing to break training for the young prince, he begins to disrobe. Overcome with emotion she launches herself into the freezing water. The gaze (again) and bang they are back on the love train.
Number three – The Proposal. Ham-tastic! This was my personal favourite. Not a word spoken but a set painters delight. Clearly an actual trip to Africa was beyond the budget of the film and a British sunset just wouldn’t do, so bring in an artist, a white tent and a few of your granny’s rugs – and that’s a rap.
This was so bad it was brilliant. I couldn’t believe that it was so enjoyable and that two people could stand talking to each other in such a manner for so long. For those who missed it, fear not. It will be repeated and even better, it’s yours to own on DVD. I only hope they put the reinactment of ‘the lunge’ as re-enacted by Fake Will and Miranda Harte on The Graham Norton Show – now that was sexy.
I realise many people did not engage with the royal wedding at all but let’s face it, it dominated the television schedule over the past week.
If however, you have just emerged from a royal wedding-free cave, other highlights of the week included the final of Masterchef. The title was won by American Tim Anderson, whose inventive cooking throughout the series was at times the only real talking point. The dish that stole the show and gave him the title was his trio of burgers inspired by Tokyo, LA and London which apparently have shaped his tastebuds. Now that’s all very well and good but, really, I think it is high time the British version  of the show looks at revamping. This year’s contestants were not as good as previous years and the whole programme is looking very jaded. I am looking forward to seeing the Irish version to see which direction it will take but as long as the judges can muster a few more adjectives apart from lovely, it will be deemed a hit. Celebrity Masterchef will begin no doubt very soon indeed.
Speaking of  new beginnings, The Apprentice is back on our screens and the motley crew look very motley indeed. This year’s contest is different of course in that the winner will not work for Sugar but instead will receive £250,000 in start-up cash in a business venture with the man himself. Judging from the comments that have already been released it’s going to be a fun time in the board room.