All downhill for Potter

Harry Potter
And The Deathly Hallows: Part 1
DIRECTED BY: David Yates
STARRING: Daniel
Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Ralph
Fiennes, Helena Bonham Carter, Robbie Coltrane
CERT: 12A

I sometimes wish I’d taken the time to read the Harry Potter books, but it just never happened. Maybe it would have been easier if the kids had been fans, but both of them made it clear early on that they’d rather gouge out their eyes with a shovel. An admirable stance, I always thought, at least until the girl hit mid-teens and started reading Twilight – at which point we had to tie her down and take the shovel to her eyes ourselves. A bit harsh, perhaps but in her right mind, it’s what she would have wanted.
So the wider, more intricate world of Potter is a closed book to me and this past weekend was one of those times when I wished it wasn’t so. Watching Harry’s penultimate big screen yawn fest, listening to the boy wizard, his friends and about a thousand strange characters discuss young Potter’s new plight, I could only sit there and wonder: “Who are these people and what in the name of God are they talking about?” 
And no, it’s not enough to be familiar with the movies. I’ve seen them and I still hadn’t a bull’s notion what was happening – a familiar feeling, indeed, as the series has progressed.
I was a big admirer of the early films. Director Chris Columbus got stick for the first two Potter movies, but those were a lot of fun. When Alfonso Cuaron took over the helm for The Prisoner Of Azkaban, he showed that you could get all dark and dangerous and still be entertaining.
That one remains the best of the series – from there it was all downhill, as certain things became clear. Firstly, that the central cast – Radcliffe, Watson and Grint – would never be able to act. That was forgivable when they were 10, not so much as they got older and their attempts at doing more mature material became increasingly embarrassing.
Secondly, that the old spirit of fun, adventure and humour was gradually being shoved towards the door. About 15 minutes into Deathly Hallows, that spirit leaves the building.
What remains is a lifeless, soulless, plodding lump of a thing whose longwinded gobbledegook and humongous cast of obscure characters will make sense only to those who have memorised every word of the novels. I’m half tempted to go read them all now, so I can be better informed next July for Harry’s last hurrah. Then again, if this movie is any indication of what really awaits in the books, I think I’ll stick with the Beano.
Here’s what I think I understood about Deathly Hallows – and even at this, you must allow for the fact that I fell asleep twice, had to take a 10-minute walk to wake my legs up about halfway through and was at times distracted by the largest number of people I’ve ever seen leave a movie.
Harry and his friends have left Hogwarts and Voldemort is now boss over the ministry of magic. He’s mad that Harry is still on the loose. He’s even madder that his wizard minions still can’t figure out how to give him a nose.
So the Potter gang enter the witness protection program and disappear to the middle of nowhere. Everyone disguises themselves to look like Harry to throw off Voldemort’s thugs but mostly they are thrown off by the sight of Harry wearing a bra.
There’s a big wedding, which is crashed by Voldemort’s thugs. So Harry, Hermione and Ron all disappear to the outer reaches of nowhere instead, to see if that will work. But they keep having to move their tent somewhere else, maybe because of fleas.
They’re supposed to be looking for some kind of magical items but Ron forgot the metal detector, as usual. He forgot the sandwiches as well. When Hermione brings this up, he leaves in a sulk. Then Bambi comes along and tries to drown Harry – I didn’t see that coming! Luckily Ron decides to come back right at that moment and saves his buddy. He also finds a big sword in the lake and after seeing Harry and Hermione getting it on, Ron chops a special necklace to bits. Oh, the torture of young love.
Then they go to a graveyard and find a clue, then they have a cup of tea in some fella’s hut before proceeding to a big house for a shoot-out with the bad guys.
Just when the puzzle could not get any more mind-bending, who should turn up only Gollum from Lord Of The Rings. Even more strangely, everyone ends up feeling sorry for the little bugger.
I don’t know where this is going, or how much weirder it’s going to get. I just hope that for the grand finale next summer, they have the decency to serve up more than nice scenery, snazzy effects and an eternity of gibberish.
A plot would be nice. And a few good laughs. It would also have been really cool if Sam and Frodo turned up to kick Voldemort to a pulp with their furry little feet. If not, I fear the old boy will simply be bored to death.
Like the rest of us.