Worst. Holiday. EVER

The Tourist
DIRECTED BY: Florian Henckel von
Donnersmarck
STARRING: Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Paul
Bettany, Steven Berkoff, Timothy Dalton
CERT: 12A

In any given week a new Hollywood movie comes along to remind us that talent doesn’t equal quality. This week that movie is The Tourist.
Here’s the talent: an excellent cast, including two of the finest headliners in the business. Two Oscar-winning screenwriters, Christopher McQuarrie (The Usual Suspects) and Julian Fellowes (Gosford Park) and a writer-director (the guy with the long name) who won the Foreign Language Oscar for his last film, the 2006 feature, The Lives Of Others.
Here’s the quality: uummmm… it looks pretty but it could have been so much more.
The Tourist has all the ingredients for a great old-fashioned comedy thriller you know, the kind where beautiful people find themselves up to their necks in silliness and peril in lovely locations, but grin and charm and slapstick their way to a happy ever after. Think names like Tracy, Hepburn and Grant.
All that was needed was someone to tell the talent that this was the way to go. Keep it light, tongue-in-cheek. Write in some laughs and, whatever you do, make sure there’s sizzling chemistry between the leads.
Alas, nobody seems sure what The Tourist is supposed to be, apart from a combined fashion and travel show. While Angelina Jolie seems up for a bit of light-hearted fun, Johnny Depp is in a different movie altogether and appears to have forgotten how to act without the aid of a funny hat.
Elise (Jolie) is a mysterious woman being tailed through Paris by an assorted bag of international law officers, who hope she will lead them to her lover, master thief Alexander Pierce.
To throw off the cops and the mob, who would like to have their money back and Alexander’s scalp to go with it, Elise boards a night train to Venice and turns on the charm with fellow passenger, Frank (Depp).
A quiet maths teacher from Wisconsin who likes spy novels and e-cigarettes and a tad awkward with the girls, Frank bears a convenient resemblance to Elise’s outlaw boyfriend.
So of course he soon finds himself being hunted by strange men, chiefly Inspector Acheson (Bettany) of Scotland Yard and mob boss Mr Shaw (Jerkoff). This involves a chase over rooftops (Jason Bourne has a lot to answer for) and, naturally, a boat race on the Venice canals. Though “race” might be the wrong word because these guys move about as fast as dead fish.
It wouldn’t be a European mystery thriller without a night at the ball, where the mystery couple mysteriously know all the moves. But by the time it all winds up with all the players in one room, there isn’t much mystery left and what transpires won’t be much of a surprise to anyone.
But it looks lovely!

The Chronicles
Of Narnia: The
Voyage Of The Dawn Treader
DIRECTED BY: Michael Apted
STARRING: Georgie Henley, Skandar Keynes, Will Poulter, Ben Barnes, Tilda Swinton
CERT: PG

I admire the great CS Lewis and his various writings but I’ve never taken to these Narnia movies. There’s something a bit too amateur and heavy-handed about the series.
The children seem to have graduated from the same Bad Acting Academy as the Harry Potter gang except the Narnia kids took extra classes to learn the Famous Five technique, all the better to manage the Enid Blyton-era dialogue:
“Let’s have another jolly adventure in that strange parallel world behind Uncle Quentin’s wardrobe! Oh do, let’s! We’ll bring a picnic and watch Aslan frolic in the meadow with Timmy! Hurrah!”
This time, the younger children Lucy (Henley), Edmund (Keynes) and their incessantly irritating cousin Eustace (Poulter) enter Narnia not by the wardrobe, but through a picture on the wall that lands them in the sea. They’re plucked from the water to find themselves aboard the royal ship, The Dawn Treader, captained by their old mucker, Prince Caspian (Barnes).
Which is lucky enough for the native Narnians, whose world is in mortal danger – again – and can only be saved from the dark forces of evil by lovely English children and their sheepdog – again. If they don’t have a sheepdog, an adopted rat called Reepicheep (Simon Pegg) will do.
To save Narnia from the terrors of Dark Island, the crew will have to find the seven magical swords of the Lords of Telmar, and somehow manage to stay alive through storms, starvation, deadly fog and the obligatory battle with a sea monster all in 3D, just because they can. It certainly isn’t because it adds anything particularly special.
To be fair, some of this is genuinely entertaining stuff especially if you wear ear muffs during the dialogue and no doubt the younger family members will love it. I’m just not sure about the rest. They might want to sit this out and wait for The Hobbit.

Secretariat
DIRECTED BY: Randall Wallace
STARRING: Diane Lane, John Malkovich, Otto Thorwarth, Margo
Martindale
CERT: G

Friday night is date night in our house and I tell you it doesn’t get any wilder than that. Middle age is where it’s at, dudes.
More often than not, this date includes a movie, precluded by a conversation that goes something like this last one:
“What’s on?” says she.
“Well, not a lot,” says me. “There’s Secretariat.”
“What’s that about?”
“A horse. Ebert says it’s the best movie of the year. It’s directed by Randall Wallace.”
“Who’s he?”
“You know,” I say, plucking details off the top of my head. “He wrote Braveheart?”
“Oh! Cool! Let’s go see that!”
What I failed to recall at the time was that Randall Wallace also wrote Pearl Harbor and that one of his few directorial jobs was The Man In The Iron Mask. So I missed two major danger signals. Also, in skimming quickly through Ebert’s review, I failed to notice how he admitted a large conflict of interest – the fact that one of his best buddies was heavily involved in the film.
It was only later I realised these things after the damage was done, and the woman of the house had decided that never again would I be trusted to recommend a movie.
According to this film, Secretariat was the greatest racehorse that ever lived. While I’ve never heard of him myself, not being too familiar with that scene, apparently he was like Shergar and Red Rum – the only great horses I can actually think of – put together.
Anyway, the movie tells how housewife Penny Chenery (Diane Lane) returns home when her mother dies and her father (Scott Glenn) becomes too ill to look after the family stables.
Penny takes over, comes into possession of a young horse she christens Big Red, and persuades flamboyant but cranky trainer Lucien Laurin (Malkovich) to come on board and bring out the big fella’s potential.
The horse starts racing under the name Secretariat and makes an instant splash. There’s even talk he might go on to be the first Triple Crown winner in 25 years. Against all odds, of course, though there never really seems to be any adversity to overcome, apart from the odd sore gum.
The big point is supposed to be that the horse’s owner is a woman, succeeding at a man’s game while trying to juggle work and family. But it rarely seems that much of a struggle. Her deserted clan are quick to hug and make up. Apart from a few lame jokes from the boys’ club, I don’t see that she has to deal with much conflict.
In fact, she spends most of her time gazing wistfully into the distance and smiling sweetly, reciting some of the worst dialogue ever put to paper, while all around her grown men drop dead with boredom.
It’s the kind of mushy nonsense you see of a Sunday on the Hallmark channel, and Diane Lane must surely have had an embarrassment bonus in her contract. John Malkovich at least gets to ham it up and have a bit of fun, and Otto Thorwarth gets a decent couple of lines as tough little jockey, Ronnie. Everyone else appears to have a nervous look in their eye, perhaps fearful of what this will mean for their careers.
The racing action itself is enjoyable but it’s little compensation for having to endure what happens off the track.