Things that go bump…

AT THE MOVIES

Paranormal Activity 2
DIRECTED BY: Tod Williams
STARRING: Sprague Grayden, Brian Boland, Molly Ephraim
CERT: 15A
Paranormal Activity 2 is set at roughly the same time as its very successful predecessor, ­ a cheap, well-made and genuinely scary movie that would have been perfect if its lead characters had been mute.

Those two ­ Micah Sloat and Katie Featherston ­ turn up again briefly here, lounging around the pool being as irritating as ever and discussing a dark family history which might involve pacts with the devil concerning wealth and the firstborn male, ­ the kind of silly back story which tells the audience that bad stuff doesn’t just happen to anyone.
Unless there’s a bit of soul-selling in the family tree, then chances are you won’t have a demon in your house. No sleepless night tonight, then, watching the closet door.
This is the stupid stuff filmmakers do when trying to expand on a good idea. They’ve expanded the house this time round, too. And the cast. And the number of cameras ­ one in every corner. So the new place looks like the Big Brother house. Furthermore the new residents have all the charm and wit of your average Big Brother contestant.
We were about five minutes into the film when I turned to my wife and said, “Can’t the stupid demon just kill these idiots now?”
And I thought the couple in the first movie were annoying. This time there are three incessantly yakking twits ­ mom, Kristi (Grayden); dad, Daniel (Boland) and teenage daughter, Ali (Ephraim).
There’s also the cheerful nanny, Martine, but she doesn’t stick around long. She’s Hispanic, you see, and naturally more sensitive to things of a spiritual nature. So obviously she’s quicker to cop on that bad things are going down. Of course, nobody listens to an incense-waving nutcase until it’s too late.
The family is rounded off by baby, Hunter, and his German shepherd guard dog, Abby. These two are grand characters, on account of not being able to talk. They also know that something is not quite right around the house, like Hispanic nannies, babies and dogs tend to have a natural feel for when a hound of hell is prowling around in the bathroom. It makes you wonder why paranormal detectives on TV don’t hire more animals and infants. With them around, you’ll always know when a nasty ghost is lurking.
Hunter and Abby get a tad restless. One barks at invisible things, the other stands in his cot all night, whimpering in fear. Ah, but nobody pays a blind bit of notice. And not once ­ even after Mommy gets personally acquainted with the houseguest ­ do Hunter’s parents suggest that maybe it would be a good idea to bring the baby into their own room for a while. Like, until he’s at least 15.
Though it feels that long before anything really exciting happens. Actually it’s only in the last 20 minutes that the supernatural prankster gets into his stride and some of what happens will have audiences jumping. One daytime scene in the kitchen is particularly great.
Up until then, P2 is a mental endurance test, and most of the attempted scares ­ toys playing alone, the levitating baby, and the mysterious moving pool cleaner ­ only managed to get laughs out of our audience.
Hardly the desired effect. But on the other hand, box office has been excellent, so nobody will be complaining. They’re probably already busy on the next instalment ­ Paranormal Activity 3: The Hunt For… well, I won’t spoil the ending. But it will probably involve a young girl, a ouija board, and her great, great, great, great grandmother.
And maybe a cat. Cats are supposed to be brilliant at this stuff.

Red
DIRECTED BY: Robert Scwentke
STARRING: Bruce Willis, Mary-Louise Parker, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich
CERT: 12A
Red has its moments of fun and silly entertainment, but not as many of them as it could have had ­ and not as many as it thinks it has.
It seems to be aiming for the dark action comedy vein but that’s a tricky one to pull off and Red doesn’t really have the right balance of violence and comedy.
Bruce Willis heads a ridiculously fine cast as a retired CIA black ops agent, who kills some of the lonely time with telephone complaints about his pension cheque, just so he can chat with Mary-Louise Parker at the call centre. He finally tells her he wants to meet but their first date involves several dangerous men trying to kill them.
Not the best start but, as the assailants learn, Bruce is classified RED – Retired, Extremely Dangerous ­ for a good reason. With his game new lady friend in tow, he sets about finding out what’s going on, bringing former agents and fellow retirees Freeman, Malkovich and Mirren out of retirement to lend a hand.
What they discover is some old guff involving Guatemala, the vice-president and a very shady Richard Dreyfuss, which I couldn’t quite follow but I’m not sure it matters all that much.
The whole point was to have a blast while, well, blasting bad guys to smithereens. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, and the cast look like they’re having fun which or whether. Not least the great Ernest Borgnine, 93-years-old now and gleefully stealing scenes from the “youngsters”, as the man who guards the CIA vault that doesn’t exist.
They don’t make ’em like they used to.