Roommate’s from hell

FILM REVIEW

The Roommate
DIRECTED BY: Christian E Christiansen
STARRING: Minka Kelly, Leighton Meester, Cam Gigandet, Billy Zane
CERT: 15A

“I was watching Single White Female again the other night. Remember that one? The whole time I was thinking to myself, ‘Wow, these girls are ancient! Why didn’t they make the characters a couple of
hot college chicks? What were they thinking?”
“Yeah, I know! And hey, I’m not saying I watch wussy European films or anything but that’s exactly what I thought about this weird movie called Persona by that depressing Swedish guy, what’s his name?”
“Bergman?”
“Yeah, Bergman. That dude didn’t have a clue about the teen market!”
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“I believe I am. Indeed, I believe we owe it to the world.”
“Damn right! Let’s do it!”
And so The Roommate was conceived. Probably.
It is a film of such toxic badness that I am wearing a full hazmat suit while writing this review. It’s hot in here and the visor keeps fogging up. The gloves are a tad awkward on the keyboard too, so please forgive any slepping mitsakes.
TV starlet Minka Kelly is hot, young Sara, newly arrived from the rural heartland to start college in LA, where her roommate is hot young Rebecca (Meester). Besides being good looking, Rebecca is also quite mad.
She takes a somewhat possessive shine to Kelly and tends to be very displeased indeed when anything else (like, say, a cat or an annoying boyfriend) diverts her new friend’s attention away from her own mad self.
Kelly, naturally, does not realise quite how mad her roommate is until, well, fairly late in the day.
The Roommate had a decent box office opening in the States back in February, but that had to be because it was Super Bowl weekend and the ladies of the nation had nothing better to be doing. Any other explanation would be too distressing to contemplate.
There are some decent actors at work here, though work might be the wrong word for their clearly half-hearted efforts. Who could blame them for not giving it welly when they’re handed a script this dumb and when – either out of incompetence or pure mortification – director Mr Christiansen doesn’t seem too bothered to try and salvage something from the mess.
The presence of Billy Zane on set probably didn’t boot morale, either. These days, when Billy turns up you know you’re in the wrong movie. It wasn’t always so, but it’s 22 years now since Dead Calm. Which is a shocking thought.
The Roommate is shocking too, but not in the right way.

Tomorrow, When the War Began
DIRECTED BY: Stuart Beattie
STARRING: Caitlin Stasey, Rachel Hurd-Wood, Lincoln Lewis
CERT: 12A

“I have another idea.”
“Hit me, oh wise one.”
“Red Dawn crossed with Home and Away crossed with, well, pretty much every movie ever made featuring beautiful young people on an outdoor adventure.”
“You’re a freaking genius.”
“Well, actually it’s not entirely my idea. It’s based on a book.”
“A book? What’s that?”
“Never mind, are you interested?”
“Teen market, I presume?”
“Obviously.”
“I’m in!”
And all God’s creatures cried, “Shoot us now.”
Stuart Beattie previously worked as a screenwriter on the Pirates Of The Caribbean movies, 30 Days Of Night and Baz Luhrman’s big, but ill-fated, Australia. This is his first venture as a director and in all fairness, you have to wonder what he was thinking.
The story is based on the first of a series of novels by John Marsden. The heroine is Ellie (Stasey), who rounds up her friends for a camping trip to the outback, where the usual capers are conducted by the usual suspects – each clichéd character more cardboard than the last.
But the real fun only begins when they arrive home to find their families missing and discover that while they were frolicking in the bush, their country was invaded by an Asian army. Is it oil they’re after? Are kangaroos the precious energy resource of the future? Or have the invaders just gotten bored of sitting around the bloody barracks?
In any case, as far as these pretty kids are concerned, this means war!
Sure you have to laugh. Though unlike The Roommate, this isn’t a complete waste of time. There is at least a decent soundtrack and lots of lovely scenery to enjoy. Which is nice, if not exactly worth your good money.
If somehow you find that it is, then you’ll be happy to know that Tomorrow, When The War Began was a big hit in its native Australia last year and that a sequel is on the way.
I know, I know, but please try to contain yourself.