Ridiculous reality

IF wealth is the great promoter, then stupidity is the great leveler and in Made in Chelsea, wealth and ignorance abound in equal measure. So, by my calculations, the (ahem) stars of the show land on a perfect zero.
Made in Chelsea is the latest effort from the reality TV people at Channel 4 and, in short, it is the Sloane set’s answer to ITV’s The Only Way Is Essex. While the postcodes are more exclusive, the names more lofty and the girls a lot less tangoed, the same themes and contrived situations are in plentiful supply. There are romantic liaisons, stolen looks, ridiculous sayings, a complete lack of knowledge about the real world and a whole lot of shopping. Yes, these guys and gals are minted and boy do they flaunt it.
We know the score with this kind of TV by now. Let’s face it, the cameras follow a group of all too beautiful people around as they act out the soap opera of their lives but the real winner is the sneering public who get to watch them make absolute idiots of themselves. What do they care though, their businesses get exposure and they laugh all the way to the atm where their wads of cash lay waiting to throw away on champagne.
There were plenty of great moments. The Brazilian girlfriend and her rat of a dog and the oversized denim shirts that look awfully like they came from Topshop, even though the ladies that lunch (though the line ‘Chelsea girls don’t eat’ was thrown about at one point) said they wouldn’t be caught dead in high street garb.
By and far my favourite part however was Francis and the portrait. Satirists around the globe cheered last night when Francis, the orange trouser and loafer wearing toff came into our lives. He does some sort of promoting or something, I’m not sure nor do I really care. What I cared about most was the fact that when a scene cut to him he was dressed in a suit holding a rather shoddy looking globe in one hand. As the scene panned out we could see some poor soul, who seemed rather bemused by the whole globe thing, was actually painting a portrait of the fellow. This lad is in his early twenties. I would hope to avoid sitting for a portrait until I am at least, I don’t know, the ruler of the free world and even then couldn’t they use a photograph?
But, no, Frances Posh-Sounding Surname was sat in a twirly chair clutching a globe, a symbol of his international idiocy I presume.
It was cringe but what came next was the highlight of the night, nay, the year. He then grasped a small pineapple, purchased from Sainsburys or Marks and Sparks or wherever toffey nosed folk shop and waxed lyrical about how it was a symbol of wealth. I nearly fell off my chair. He went on and on about how it was symbol of wealth in the 13th century; while that may be true someone should have reminded him it’s the 21st century now and that pineapples are in plentiful supply. You can even grow-your-own in a well-insulated green house. He would have been better served putting it on his head and doing a Jedward because their celebrity will outlive his for sure.
Other characters included Armand (not real name but is very reminiscent of the long-haired vampire portrayed by Antonio Bandearas in Interview with the Vampire that he will be called such from now on). He and Mick Hucknell, again not his real name but the flaxen haired (I know Mick is a ginge) woolly jumper-wearing boy looks so much like a leftover from the early 1990s that it’s hard to know how to describe him. If he were to break into a rendition of Stars I wouldn’t be in anyway surprised. He doesn’t say much but the look alone is enough to send one into merry peals of laughter.
This is not quality TV nor is it really entertaining in itself but the looks, gapes and mannerisms of this bunch of young socialites is enough to send you to a happy place, safe in the knowledge that all the money in the world can’t buy you friends, taste or indeed sense. Watch it on E4 on Monday nights at 10pm.
From those that have money to burn to those that don’t spend a dime. Yes there is a new extreme sport and it can be very hazardous to your health and the storage space in your house. What is it you may ask? Why, it’s extreme couponing of course. Oh yes, forget your regular club card savings and aldi deals, these people have taken the act of bargain hunting to a whole new level. They are consumed by using coupons to buy goods, spending next to nothing themselves and hoarding boxes and boxes of non-perishables in their houses. Do they eat it all? No. Do they sell it on for profit? No. They just buy it in the ultimate case of ‘just in case’. They could literally feed a small army but instead choose to keep it all for themselves.
Featured on CBS Reality, this was one of the saddest programmes I have ever seen and shows the excesses that exist in the United States. One woman described her larder as her legacy, something that she will give to her favourite child. If I was her child, I would be doing anything I possibly could to avoid becoming the favourite and being saddled with thousands of toilet rolls.
Maybe if a nuclear war happens or Cormac McCarthy’s The Road becomes a reality, then maybe I’ll eat my words, as they’ll be all I have but until then, I am going to continue to think these a stange bunch of people indeed.