Pirates 4: yo ho-hum

Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
DIRECTED BY: Rob
Marshall
STARRING: Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Geoffrey Rush, Ian McShane
CERT: 12A

In an interview a couple of months back, Blackpool manager Ian Holloway claimed that the club’s chief ambition this season was fairly simple – they didn’t want to disgrace themselves by doing a Derby, who were promoted to the Premier League in 2007, only to go straight back down with the lowest points total on record (11), notching up just one win and a goal difference of
-69.
After a great start, Blackpool’s season collapsed and they may be relegated this weekend. But they’ve entertained, they’ve beaten the top sides and they’ll go down with a points tally that would have kept them up with breathing room in previous seasons. So if there really is any consolation to be had, at least they can say they didn’t do a Derby.
What has that got to do with anything? Well, I couldn’t help but think of Blackpool as I pondered Disney’s latest box office treasure hunt and, more particularly, the task laid out for new director Rob Marshall.
It was pretty simple, really – all he had to do, was not do a Pirates 3. If he could just avoid making that kind of a shambles, then he’d be on to a winner.
With the bar set that low he couldn’t help but succeed. Which kind of puts the quality of this film in context. On Stranger Tides is better than At World’s End, but that’s a bit like saying Blackpool are better than Derby. It’s true, but they’re still a long way from the top of the league.
The film kicks off in some style, with Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp) in London on a spot of legal business but mostly as an excuse for a great chase through the city and to set up the new adventure – this time, the quest for the Fountain Of Youth.
Sparrow’s old pirate foe Barbossa (Rush) is now employed by the Crown, leading the hunt in a Royal Navy warship. Sparrow himself hooks up with Anjelica (Cruz), an old flame he abandoned long ago, who has since picked up a few sword tricks and knows her way around a ship. You just can’t find a plain old damsel in distress anymore.
Turns out Anjelica has certain connections aboard the infamous Queen Anne’s Revenge, captained by the dreaded pirate Blackbeard (McShane) and manned by his crew of zombies. Blackbeard, naturally, wants this magical fountain for himself, so off we go on the chase.
Being an old-fashioned treasure hunt – and, well, because there’s the video game to think about – certain items must be collected along the way. The tear of a mermaid is required and so a spot of mermaid fishing seems the logical way to go about it when you’re a pirate and you’re mad. But, as the boys learn, these fish girls are not all graceful and sweet.
They do like nice boys though and Syrena (Astrid Berges-Frisbey) falls for young missionary Philip (Sam Claflin). As a couple, they’re no Daryl Hannah and Tom Hanks and their romance is an unnecessary and dull distraction. But if we have to have a pair of young lovers around the place, I’ll take these two any day over Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom, whose absence alone almost makes the film worth seeing.
Rob Marshall is best known for his Oscar-winning musical Chicago and may have seemed an odd choice to take the helm of the Pirates franchise but he brings a steady hand to the job, keeps the plot on a reasonably straightforward course and knows how to pull off a fine action scene. He even knows how to use 3D, which seems a rare talent, though generally he seems happy to ditch the gimmicky visuals that have plagued the series and simply shoot a movie. Cinematographer Dariusz Wolski and production designer John Myhre do a very fine job.
The problem is a script that’s way too long at 136 minutes and way too dull too much of the time. We get much more of Jack Sparrow this time around, but unfortunately not enough good lines to see him through and so the main attraction is just not that funny. In fact, Johnny Depp’s whole Sparrow routine was old two movies ago and his overexposure here makes it all too clear.
Penelope Cruz looks lovely and she does the feisty thing that’s required, but for some reason I can’t explain I’ve never been able to take to her and that hasn’t changed. Geoffrey Rush does his usual shtick and that’s impressive, but it’s Ian McShane who steals the acting credits. It’s a long way from Lovejoy but he’s been doing great work for a long time and he deserves the big roles.
Whether he or Depp or any of them will be back for more is another thing. There’s a suggestion late on that they will, but the standard will have to improve greatly.
It’s not enough to be better than Derby.