On the couch

DVD review

Fast 5 ****
Directed by: Justin Lin
Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster, Dwayne Johnson

Fast Five might just be the most manly film ever made. Conservative estimates put its manliness quotient at 900,000 Grrs (the standard unit for measuring manliness) more than the previous title holder, a simple home video of “Manly” John McBicep, the well-known Scotsman, eating a thistle and barbed wire sandwich while dry shaving with the propellor blade of an Apache helicopter and fighting a bulldog at the same time.
The whole test-fest comes to a sweaty peak when two of the flick’s leading men – Dwayne Johnson and Vin Diesel – share the most awe-inspiring handshake of ultimate masculinity since Arnie greeted Carl Weathers in Predator.
To say that Justin Lin’s contribution to the now five-strong Fast and Furious series (which could, and should have been subtitled Cars Gone Wild) should be consumed with large handfuls of salt is a massive understatement. However, when viewed with the right mindset and the correct level of mental preparation, it could be considered the best of the bunch.
Taking a leaf out of the Bourne Ultimatum’s playbook (the one and only similarity between the two films) Fast Five begins right where the previous flick left off. Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) is on the bus to Lompoc Prison – a fine penitentary establishment made famous in the works of many rappers and hip-hop artists – set to fritter away the rest of his days doing pressups, glowering and shaving his head. Unwilling to forego the free baby-sitting offered by close family, Toretto’s sister, Mia (Jordana Brewster), and her boyfriend, Dom’s best mate/worst enemy, Brian O’Connor (Paul Walker), mastermind an elaborate breakout attempt that starts the flick with a thoroughly ridiculous stunt and explosion – a fine sign of things to come.
The three end up on the run in the favelas of Rio where they hide out with some familiar old faces. One botched job later (botched but awesome – some manly stunt driving combined with metal-cutting lasers and a train full of fancy cars and FBI agents, work wonders for the Grr quotient) and the gang are being hunted by the most powerful drug dealer in Rio as well as a team of US government agents led by Luke Manlypants (or something like that) played by Dwayne Johnson.
Two tonnes of flak jacket, salt and pepper goatee and Texas-inflected shouting, Manlypants is the role the man formerly known as The Rock was born to play. While Vin Diesel has two and a bit movies of past badassness to rest on, Johnson has to make a big impact quickly and he does so through sheer force of shouting, flexing and never once winking at the camera or playing for laughs. It’s his best heel turn since the WWF.
Instead of running and hiding from the G-men and gangsters, Dom and the gang decide to tackle things head on by staging an improbably complicated robbery. They call up their pals, a “best of” the previous four flicks, including that guy who drove the car that time and that girl who was also… something something.
Unlike the team assembled in Ocean’s 11, Fast Five’s expanded cast are incidental to proceedings and are something to tolerate until the story shifts back to Toretto or Manlypants (real name Hobbs). Even Paul Walker’s character get’s short shrift from the story this time out, despite having what the closest thing the series could consider a story arc – he’s a cop, he’s not a cop, he’s a cop again, he’s a father on the run!
While the story may be silly it’s not entirely terrible and works well as a vehicle (arf) to set up Diesel and Johnson’s characters for a titanic dust up in the final third of the film and some possible sequel action in the coming years. The dialogue is creaky and occasionally embarrassing but is only an occasional distraction to the fantastic set pieces, scraps and “man moments” that hark back unironically to classic 80s action movies.
There is no earthly way to describe Fast Five as anything other than a ridiculous, overblown creation. It is under no illusions about what it is though and if you have even the smallest modicum of affection for any of the other four films, this will be nothing but an idiotic joy to watch. Otherwise steer clear, as its mind-bending stupidity may render you catatonic.