On the Couch

DVD REVIEW

Robin Hood ***
Directed by: Ridley Scott
Starring: Russell Crowe; Cate Blanchett; Mark Strong; Oscar Isaac; Max von Sydow

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time **
Directed by: Mike Newell
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal; Gemma Arterton; Alfred Molina; Ben Kingsley

Ridley Scott didn’t really have to call Robin Hood Robin Hood.
As much as it’s a decent, well made flick, it really doesn’t have much to do with the classic hero who robbed from the rich to give to the poor.
In his effort to reboot the story he’s gone a wee bit too far off the reservation, rendering the whole thing little more than an interesting yarn set in Crusade-time Britian with as much in common with Kingdom of Heaven as it has with any of the more recognisable Robin Hood tales.
Robin Longstride (Russell Crowe) is a brave, honest, salt of the earth archer, part of Richard the Lionheart’s army returning from the Crusades. Through hopping, trotting and background treachery he and his mates, John (a big fella), Alan (a musical fella) and Will (a red-headed fella) end up in Nottingham where Robin gets offered the job of pretending to be Lord Robert of Loxley to make sure the king can’t get his greedy mitts on the Loxley estate.
Almost totally unrelated to this is another story involving Mark Strong as King John’s conniving sidekick who is helping the French invade England by fanning the flames of civil war.
All this goes on in a background of vaguely familiar plot points – taxes are high, there’s a forest in Sherwood, King John is a villianous sort but it all seems unnecessarily convoluted. Admirable in its effort to make the legend more real and relevant but basically distracting from the two things that are most important to Robin Hood films – the swashing and the buckling.
Not that the film’s a complete failure by any margin.
There is action and adventure to be enjoyed and the updated versions of some of the characters and ideas are fun. Maid Marion (Cate Blanchette) and King Richard (Danny Heuston) are particularly entertaining to watch and the reality of how the Hooded one’s help is so desperately needed.
In the lead Russell Crowe as Robin/Robert is the sort of stoic, noble, mumbly hero you’d expect but his potato-like features suit the role of a man who’s lived a hard life.
However, the quality of the performances is lost amidst the multiple, politics heavy, storylines.
Of course maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s a brilliant analysis of how elements of a real-life story are wound into the stuff of legend and mythologised. But even then it’s still a bit of a jumbled mess that need a much firmer editorial hand. Basically it’s Kingdom of Heaven but not as good and filmed somewhere colder.
Anyone who remembers such archaic objects as 5¼ inch discs and the heady excitement of playing a computer game that came on about 18 such floppies will likely have fond memories of the original Prince of Persia computer game.
Twenty one years after the game originally reared its head on computers, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time sauntered unimpressively into cinemas across the world and you can be damn sure that in 21 months time, never mind years, memories of the film will have faded away while people will still remember the game.
Taking the lead in this adventure-by-numbers is Jake Gyllenhaal who is continuing his journey away from his talent and towards becoming a human version of a musclebound Muppet.
The story has about as mush depth and detail as a typical computer game too – street kid adopted by the king of Persia, Dastan (Gyllenhaal) gets falsely accused of killing his father and goes on the run with a mysterious, mystical princess (Gemma Arterton) and a magical time-warping dagger.
Everything else about proceedings screams adequate and little else. The actors are all fine. The action sequences are fine. The comedy sidekick (in the form of Alfred Molina) is, you guessed it, fine.
It’s not nearly as stupid as Clash of the Titans but really when a film of that is one of your reference points you know you’re far from a winner.
Other than an allusion to the war in Iraq at the end that’s as painfully ham-fisted as it is outdated so you should close your eyes and try to ignore, there’s little to insult or stimulate your intelligence.
Watch this, don’t watch it, it doesn’t matter. it’s absolutely forgettable fare.