On the couch

The Expendables 2  ***
Directed by: Simon West
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Chuck Norris, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Liam Hemsworth, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger

The Expendables 2 is the film The Expendables should have been. This statement is likely to prompt you to do one of two things – either rush to the microwave to get some popcorn ready for an evening of stupid ’80s macho fun or run to the toilet to vomit copiously and hit yourself in the face with a comically huge wooden mallet.

There’s probably a shoulder-shrugging middle ground too but, pumped up on adrenaline and borrowed testosterone as I am after watching Sly Stallone’s wrecking crew in action, I will brook nothing but the most extreme responses to EVERYTHING!

While The Expendables promised much in the way of action-movie nostalgia but delivered only partially, it’s follow up delivers in spades. From the cast list to the action set-pieces and wise decision to eshew an actual story for a handful of exposition scenes that look like a reunion for the board of Planet Hollywood, Expendables 2 delivers… So long as you’re looking for a cliché-riddled action flick crammed with corny jokes and a cast old enough to call the Rolling Stones “whippersnappers”.

Anyway, the story, such as it is, sees Barney Ross (Stallone) and his soldiers of fortune (think the A-Team if it had been on after 9pm and they all smoked and swore) once again presented with a job they can’t refuse.

Citing a debt from long ago, Bruce Willis shows up as CIA-agent Mr Church to strong arm the lads into a job. But what should be a simple case of picking up some missing cargo goes horribly wrong when The Muscles from Brussels himself, Jean-Claude Van Damme, shows up as the villainous Mr Vilain (yeah, they went there) and gives the lads reason to embark on a riotous rampage of revenge.

Right from the outset, Expendables 2 delivers more bang for your buck than its predecessor. After an improbably explosive opening sequence that probably caused the entire staff of Mythbusters to cut up their scientist cards and join the Magic Circle, the film careens from one ridiculous scenario to another.

Returning for Nostalgiafest 2012 are the previous crew of Jason Statham (the chatty one), Dolph Lundgren (the crazy one), Jet Li (the mostly absent one), Randy Couture (the MMA one), Terry Crews (the big one) and Liam Hemsworth (the young one).

Along the way such ’80s luminaries as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chuck Norris show up and even Willis gets in on the action.

The Expendables 2 is neither big nor clever. At its heart it’s a film about other films. Other, bad films. But if you have even the smallest affection in your heart for action heroes from the pre-Bourne era then you’ll get a kick out of it. While the first one promised much but delivered little beyond a cool idea, this slice of nonsense has all the balls-out bravado of its spiritual ancestors.

While some of the fogey-patrol are clearly well past their sell-by date (Arnie, hang your head sir), Stallone can still give good bad-ass, as can JCVD.

The story (cough) is stupid and barely present anyway. The jokes are lame and some of the action sequences fell like they were shoe-horned in just for an excuse for one line or one specific shot. It’s not the best action flick you’re likely to see this year, nor the worst.

In the end it’s the spectacle of all these once huge stars together on screen that wins out. Like watching grandad play Twister – it’s not how good he is that’s important, it’s that he’s actually playing at all!