Grandad’s army

This week, John Keogh reviews The Expendables.

The Expendables
DIRECTED BY: Sylvester Stallone
STARRING: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren
CERT: 15A
Try this recipe: put The A Team in a large pot, mix in Knight And Day, stir well, then add a tonne of weapons, a gallon of blood and guts, some martial arts heroes and a couple of ’80s action superstars. Bring to the boil, allowing for occasional moments of simmering and overcook for 104 minutes. Add a sprinkle of hot Latin romance and serve with a side helping of broad humour.
We call this dish The Expendables. Or, as our chef prefers to name it, The Big Silly Boom Boom Fun Yeah!
Having retired Rocky and Rambo, Sylvester Stallone continues his lap of honour with this homage to his own heyday, a nostalgic gallop back in time to a age when all you needed for a box office hit was a muscle man, a helicopter, several billion bullets and a bunch of third world baddies to stand in the line of fire. Ah, happy times.
Well the only thing better than one muscle man on the rampage, is one muscle man and his muscle head friends on a mission to top the body count of every action movie in history put together.
Stallone leads this bunch of mercenaries, which includes knife-loving Jason Statham, kung fu combat man Jet Li and sniper Dolph Lundgren, who’s got a bit of a medicine habit and is prone to the odd violent mood swing. Perhaps from all those years of steroids.
The team is rounded off by weapons maestro Terry Crews and mixed martial arts legend Randy Couture.
When they’re not off gunning down foreigners for cash or blowing Somali pirates to smithereens, the boys hang out at the tattoo parlour owned by ex-Expendable Mickey Rourke, who introduces a bit of philosophy to proceedings, recalling the day his soul died in Bosnia. Seems the gang was noble once upon a time, fighting for good causes until they sold out for the big money.
Their latest mission is to put manners on corrupt General David Zayas, who rules the South American island nation of Vilena with an iron fist, which is naturally controlled by an American puppet master, the ex-CIA agent Eric Roberts.
The boys are not so keen on the job at first, on account of the general having an army and all that. But Sly has a change of heart when he falls for the dictator’s own daughter, Gisele Itie, a rebel against her father’s regime. Cue massive doses or adrenalin, testosterone and wanton bloodshed. Only this time the cause is righteous, maybe the lads’ one last shot at redemption.
They don’t come much bigger or dumber than this but it’s hard not to love it all the same, not least for the reassuring fact that there is a remnant in Hollywood who still want to make movies for boys of all ages. For those of us who grew up with Action Man, this is the stuff we imagined. All that’s missing from the fantasy is Barbie’s boyfriend Ken being strung up by his pedicured toes and tortured to death with his hair straightener.
Not that torture doesn’t raise its head – the villains here are fond of the bit of waterboarding, one of several clumsy attempts to address the current international climate.
But there’s not much need for that carry on. There’s only one reason anyone will watch The Expendables – and that’s to see Stallone kicking lumps out of anything that moves, with a little help from his famous friends. The trailers suggest that his buddies Bruce Willis and Governor Schwarzenegger have a big hand in that, but these old gold star box office brutes make only brief appearances and don’t even have a credit.
There’s plenty of fun to be had all the same for action fans of all generations. But for those who were weaned on Rambo, this is especially a blast. Sly may be pushing on and looking the worse for wear but so long as he can throw out one of these sort of flicks once in a while, he’s still at the top of the pile.
It would be nice to see a sequel – if only because it might distract the man from ever going ahead with the Edgar Allen Poe biopic he’s been talking about.
There are some things the world is just not ready for.