Fangs for nothing

FILM REVIEW

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
DIRECTED BY: David Slade
STARRING: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattison, Taylor Lautner
CERT: 12A

I MAY have mentioned this before but in the weeks leading up to a new Twilight movie, my teenage daughter attempts to get me warmed up for the big event by insisting that I try, once again, to acquaint myself with the Stephanie Meyer books, all of which she has read about 400 times each.
Because she does so in a certain sweet tone which I find impossible to dismiss as I know I should – and perhaps like a mother who decides she would love to have another baby, forgetting everything about the trauma of birthing the last one – I consent to the slaughter of my brain cells, to the merciless removal of my own will to live.
To give you an idea of what I endure now on an annual basis – and that doesn’t include the Nicholas Sparks books she makes me read whenever one of those goes to the big screen – here is a short sample, word for word. Okay, maybe not exactly, but it’s not far off:
“I parked my truck outside the house. I opened the door and stepped out. Something wet hit my face. I looked up into the night sky, which was dark and ominous. Something bad was going to happen, probably tomorrow after school. Or maybe Saturday when Jacob and I went riding our bikes. Thinking of Jacob made me think of rippling muscles. Oh I am so torn. Edward’s eyes, Jacob’s abs. If only one of them had a sense of humour, I would know which to choose. If only I had a sense of humour.
“Looking up into the ominous night sky, I realised what the wet thing was that had hit my face before I started thinking about Jacob with no shirt on. It was raining. Suddenly I remembered why I drove home with my wipers on. The wipers kept clearing the windscreen like I was trying to clear my mind. Why can’t I stop thinking about Edward’s pale face? I should make him a sandwich.
“I walked up to the door and let myself in. It was dark, so I turned on the lights. Lights help me not to think about the dark, which makes me think about ominous things, which makes me wonder what bad thing is going to happen when Jacob finds out I made Edward a sandwich. Maybe I should make Jacob one too.
“Charlie wasn’t home. He’d left a note: ‘Bella, I’m gone to dinner with one of my buddies because, frankly, I couldn’t stand the thought of having to look at your sulky puss again this evening.’ Poor Charlie. He worries so much.
“I made myself some macaroni and cheese. It was really cheesy, which I love, but I hate washing up after cheesy dinners because melted cheese sticks to the plate and fork and it takes forever. Forever, like my life with Edward if I can convince him to stop whining and, like, bite me already. Forever, like it will take you to read this book because I feel compelled to describe in great detail every little thing I do and every inane thought that crosses my whiny little mind. Oh, Edward. Your muscles just don’t do it for me like Jacob’s.”
Does that give you a glimpse of my pain? Now imagine you have just recovered from that, when you are forced to watch it all being played out on a 50-foot screen by mopey amateurs and you are surrounded by sighing, squealing females, some of them members of your own family.
To quote the great Lloyd Bridges in Airplane! – “It looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking”.
Here’s what I recall. Bella (Stewart) is still in two minds about the personality-challenged males in her life, Edward the vampire (Pattison) and Jacob the werewolf (Lautner). She’s also starting to wonder about this whole immortality thing and if she really can put up with looking at Edward’s big, sulky head for all eternity.
Meanwhile herself and her boys and their feuding families will all have to pull together to fight off a new vampire army from Seattle, led by the late Kurt Cobain. Or maybe it’s Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard), the only interesting character in the series, mad for revenge on account of Edward killing her fella. If I missed anything there, well, not to put too fine a point on it, I couldn’t care less.
When it raises its head, the action is top quality, but unless you’re a fan, there’s just too much bad stuff to wade through to make it worth the while. And if you are a fan, there’s just one thing I need to know:
Why?
Seriously, help me out here. Why?
Shed some light on my poor daughter’s serious condition.
It troubles me greatly. It troubles me even more greatly that this time next year she’ll be making me do this all over again.