Behaviour of dog owners is barking mad

“I’VE seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.” – John Steinbeck
Helen and I have joined a cult, not intentionally you understand. It has changed our lives utterly and led us to engage in certain behaviours we might have considered quite strange only a few weeks ago. But not any more, we are now dog owners.
In acquiring the hound we were, with the benefit of hindsight, completely unaware that we would be thrown headlong into the kind of alternative reality that we have been. The world has not changed in a massively noticeable way but the difference in our lives is considerable. I can only liken it to a strange filter being held over that world that distorts the everyday in a very subtle way.
Conversation has been a major casualty. When we have visitors over to the house, the topic of conversation tends to be the dog, her habits and how beautiful she is.
Sometimes conversation will die altogether as the assembled humans coo and simper at the cuteness of her actions and how generally adorable she is. Somewhere in the back of my mind I am aware that sooner or later the visitor numbers may begin to drop considerably if we do not make significant efforts to reverse this trend.
But, like the gambling addict placing the family home on one hand of blackjack, actually making the right choice in certain situations can be almost impossible to do.
We are currently in Yorkshire visiting relatives and low and behold they are “dog people” too. We gather as a group with the animals in tow and discuss them, their habits and their personalities for hours on end.
We take them all on long walks and praise each other’s animals for their good behaviour and cleverness, never once seeming to notice the utter oddness of our behaviour.
Another popular topic on these walks is the behaviour of other dog owners. A very common trait in the ‘dog person’ is the unassailable belief that they are the model owner.
All seem to have been born with the perfect and complete manual on dog ownership hardwired into their brain and in their eyes; others are merely shadows of what a real owner should be.
Letting dogs off the lead, fouling and barking are all areas where the inferior dog owner will expose themselves and when they do the true dog person will come into their own.
The levels of self-righteous rage and indignation I have found myself expressing when confronted by somebody I deem to be behaving inappropriately, or letting their dog do the same, have been almost frightening.
Of course, I do not say it out loud or to the faces of the owners in question, no no, I am a coward. I turn to Helen and mutter my outrage in hushed tones. Watch a dog person when they are walking. You can often see them muttering to their partner or more often than not to themselves. The deranged muttering will often be accompanied by a scowl or frown aimed at another dog owner and the spectacle can be both unnerving and entertaining in equal measure. 
Our new dog Rosie is a cocker spaniel. Did I mention she is the most perfect dog to ever have walked on four feet? I’m sure I have but just in case. Upon her arrival in our home I went to a pet shop to get her a bowl from which she could drink. I entered the shop with her on her lead.
She proceeded to disgrace me with loud barking, jumping, tail wagging and general over friendliness towards every living thing in sight. All around the shop dog people scowled at me and muttered to their partners. I asked the shop owner over the din if I might purchase a dog bowl. He asked if I wanted a ‘spaniel bowl’? Seeing my complete confusion at the question he kindly explained that this type of bowl is thin at the top so that a spaniels big floppy ears don’t droop in the water as they drink. I took the bowl and it actually works.
So on top of all those other changes, I’m seeing in us we are now a new type of consumer as well. If you have never been, I would advise you to visit a pet superstore. The range of equipment, toys, potions, lotions and accessories available to the dog person is truly staggering. What is even more staggering is to see people with packed baskets happily purchasing the most outlandish products.
Another major casualty of the dog’s arrival has been language. A form of baby talk is now commonly heard when we are with the hound. What makes this all the more ridiculous is the fact that the dog understands nothing more than a few key words. Cooing expressions of affection to her take the form of “blah blah blah Rosie blah”.
To find yourself talking to an animal despite knowing this is the case is a frustrating thing. Catching myself doing it from time to time leaves me feeling foolish. I urge myself to not engage in such silly behaviour and feel better, until I do it again.
We have gone through the looking glass. A sort of canine Pandora’s Box has been opened in our lives and there is no going back. We are dog people now and must simply try to control the signs. In fact, if I’m honest, we are thoroughly enjoying it.
The pleasure Rosie has bought into our home more than compensates for the semi madness that arrived at the same time.
If I meet any of you walking your dog, we will probably stop and chat about animals and enjoy a friendly exchange. If you see me muttering to my wife as I walk away don’t take it personally. I know you’d do the same for me.