A Teenager’s Guide to Life

Senior, 2nd prize

Róisín Nestor, Scoil Mhuire, Ennistymon

PEOPLE have a rigid stereotype of what a teenager behaves like and everyone from the age of 13 to 19 is automatically branded with this image. It is very important that adults are able to give out about teenagers, so make sure you keep to the stereotype set out for teenagers.
You’re expected to be moody at all times. Sulks, frowns, scowls and moans are all very suitable to enhance your eternal grumpy mood. You must always be bored. No matter what you get you must always keep nagging until you get more. Instead of talking to your parents give shrugs and monosyllabic answers  or better yet, ignore them completely. “What are you so happy about?” “Why are you hugging me, do you want something?” are the typical responses if you are even the slightest bit cheerful. So it’s not really worth the hassle to be happy or nice to your parents. However, when you see your friends, you must behave as though you have been separated from them for years.
Even your appearance seems to make people complain about you. They presume if you wear a jumper with the hood up you are most definitely carrying a knife. You get given out to for straightening your hair “Do you know the damage you’re doing to your hair!” And perms didn’t cause any damage, I suppose!
Your room should not be clean… EVER. Where’s the fun in that? Your bedroom should be an obstacle course designed to keep you fit; bettering your balance by weaving in and out through your perfectly organised floor filing system which your parents cannot comprehend and may refer to as a “mess”. To improve your agility, jump over mountains of books, clothes, shoes and CDs. Arranging your clothes on the floor is much easier because you can see exactly what they are rather than having to root through wardrobes for them.
As you go through life, you will encounter people of diverse personalities. Girls who wear more make-up than they do clothes and take hundreds of pictures of themselves posing. The type who say they haven’t studied at all but end up getting an A. The people who say things to your face and then something completely different behind your back. The people who take PE way too seriously and rugby tackle you…and that’s only when you’re playing volleyball.
If you have the right people in your life, you will be grand. The friends you can give a certain look to and they know what you’re thinking. The types that can bring a smile to your face even when you feel that all you are facing is adversity. The people who will always be there for you, even if they would rather be somewhere else. These friends will help you survive the teenage years.
An advantage of exams is that they provide a great variety of excuses. If you are asked to help around the house, your response should be “But I really need to study”, which will immediately get you off the hook. It also provides you with opportunities to celebrate everything somewhat academically related. If you don’t have an excuse you must improvise – “But it’s the end of the home economics practical. I have to go out!”.
Regarding your actual study, always start a few hours later than you should. Go outside or go on the computer but just ensure you put off doing homework or study for as long as possible. This then entitles you to complain about how much work you are getting when the clock strikes midnight and you are only half finished. It is also perfectly acceptable to remember all the lyrics of a Snow Patrol song but unable to recall the first four lines of a Shakespeare sonnet.
You should always have your phone on you. Texting non-stop really shows your parents you can be committed to something and they really adore this. If you are away and they ring, don’t feel under any obligation to answer. However, if you have 50 missed calls from mam, it may be time to text “what do you want?” If they complain that you never answered, simply reply that your phone was on silent.
Wasting your money on random purchases seems to come in the package of being a teenager. That top you must have but will never wear. Those shoes that barely fit but are so gorgeous. The iphone 4 even though you already own an iphone 3.
Your parents receive great enjoyment from lecturing you and thinking up new ways to punish you. You should make it easier for them and do the opposite of what you are told. Making up excuses improves your creativity. Wear the highest shoes possible so your mother can argue about how you are ruining your feet and back. When you come in from a night out, kick your shoes where someone is likely to trip over them and injure themselves. This provides entertainment for all the family.
To make your life interesting, never agree with anybody. Argue about everything and continue to fight even when you know you are wrong, that is irrelevant. Teachers and parents will reward your feisty determination with cunning punishments. If you want to make your arguments really memorable, slam doors and scream. Do not be content with your own fights; get involved with everyone else’s fights too. When this happens within your family, everyone will get in a sour mood and you will get a sense of purpose and satisfaction when your parents complain about “how your behaviour affects the whole house”. It is nice to know you have such a valuable influence.
Your image is everything. If your parents absolutely must collect you from somewhere, make sure they park at least 400m away so you are not associated with them. Unfortunately, there will be occasions where you will have to go with them somewhere. When this occurs, it’s advisable that you pick out clothes for them. It is handy to bring a leash for them, as they will invariably embarrass you by talking to your friends because in their eyes they are “very hip” and “down with the kids”.
People could warn you about teenage life, about how hard it will be – the early mornings, the piles of homework left until Sunday night, fights with your friends, broken dreams and hearts. However, these bitter parts make the sweet parts ever better to savour. The late nights out, the times where you laugh so hard your stomach hurts, the brilliant friends who make your life so much fun.
Do not regret something because it’s already too late to change it. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes because that’s how we learn. Seize every single moment because you can never get it back again. Don’t worry about what people think about you because it’s your life, so make certain you live it.