CHRISTMAS can be a difficult time for families financially but equally, the festive season can cause much anxiety and stress for a family affected by a separation or divorce.
East Clare family therapist Ruth McMahon noted, “Obviously many people from all walks of life are under pressure at this time of year not just to provide all that is required but to keep up appearances in this area. In many ways, losing face within the family/community appears to be an extensive worry for many. Financial pressures create a very tightly wound and anxious person who may be very worried and feeling too frightened and/or ashamed to ask for support. This can greatly reduce their patience with others, especially if there are children involved.”
According to Ms McMahon, children respond in different ways to the tension this can create in the home, including an increased need for attention, acting out or withdrawal.
“They may need simple explanations like ‘this year we don’t have as much to go around so we all may have to pull together and ask Santa and/or parents for less’. Age-appropriate discussion with children as a family can help as they can then understand that the tension isn’t about them but more about other issues,” she explained.
Equally, she said financial worries can strain a couple’s relationship and she advises, where possible, to approach each other gently and respectfully about worries. “This in itself can reduce the overall tension in the household as children can see their parents supporting each other and by definition, this allows them to feel safer, which for a child is paramount to their well being.”
Speaking about families who may be awaiting a custody agreement or have one in place, she noted, “Having a designated time to see your children in is heart-breaking for both parents and children and in many ways, the Christmas period holds the stark reality of the process of hurt and pain the family have been through or are still going through at present. It can be a time where parents often find it hard to negotiate together pick-ups and drop-offs for their children between each house. Sometimes parents forget to think about what might suit the children rather than engaging in a power play over who has the most time with them.”
According to the East Clare resident, separated couples are often unable to live separately for financial/legal reasons. “Children can often be put in a position to choose which parent they align with for the festivities and this can be very hard as a child’s loyalty bond with a parent means they again want to be with both of them as fairly as possible.”
She added there are many other reasons why Christmas can bring additional tensions. “For many, Christmas is just simply overwhelming due to the cooking, cleaning, present-giving and visiting that happens and the pressures and rituals associated with this time of year. For others, asking for support may be hard for them. They may not know how to ask for support from family or friends, they may anticipate rejection or it may be that within a family/set of friends, certain things do not have permission to be discussed. Whatever the reason, it can be useful to remember that a time of fun, family and festivities can be a time of tension and heart break for so many of us. Slowing down to consider being together without too much expectation of ourselves and others to be ‘perfect’, whatever that is, can invite more spaciousness into our experience of this time of year,” she concluded.
Ruth McMahon is a family therapist within primary care in the East Clare area and in the Department of Child and Family Psychiatry, Mater Hospital, Dublin and can be contacted on 087 6664404.
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