On the couch

ON the important and culture defining issue of dogs that chase cars, a great philosopher or possibly a second rate stand-up comedian, once asked, what do you suppose they’d do if they ever actually caught one?

It’s a fair point. What do you do when confronted by an object of desire so long sought after that the very possibility of possessing it seemed so remote as to appear virtually impossible.
As the dog lies in the middle of the road, teeth wrapped around a bumper, slowly realising that it lacks the opposable thumbs necessary to operate the damn thing, so too a certain generation of gentlemen, and more than a few women as well, will wonder how exactly to appreciate the arrival of The A-Team movie.
Watching and, more importantly, re-enacting on any amount of green space available, the adventures of a crack commando unit sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit was as important a part of growing up in the late ’70s/early ’80s as taking your first step, learning to swear or faking your first sincere apology.
These guys were heroes your parents wouldn’t approve of. These guys dealt with bullies and bad guys in a way that the law of the playground would’ve approved of. This was Bully Beatdown with guns, awesome DIY and less annoying haircuts.
So what to do over 25 years later when the adventure begins anew? The greens for jumping around on are no longer available and the field of war re-enactment is more the purview of hopeful US congressmen and intense, bespectacled men called Nigel.
To make matters worse, Hannibal (George Peppard) is dead and Mr T is a bit old looking now and busy pitying fools’ choice of confectionary.
Are the lost generation to be left sitting in the middle of the road chewing confusedly on a car bumper? More importantly, will people on either side of the generation barrier give a rat’s whatsit about the escapades of the world’s most famous soldiers of fortune?
The answer is yes.
Despite plot holes you could drive Brazil through on the back of a gargantuan camel (yes the plot is that, eh, hole-y), director Joe Carnahan pumps proceedings up with such pace that there simply isn’t time to shout “that doesn’t make ANY sense” at the screen.
Opening with a well edited sequence where the four lads – the leader, Hannibal (Liam Neeson); the handsome guy, Face (Bradley Cooper); the crazy guy, Murdock (Sharlto Copley) and the tough guy, BA Baracus (Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson) – are introduced, the flick flashes forward eight years to the war in Iraq where the crew, an Alpha team, get framed for a billion dollar robbery and just a touch of murder. The rest of the flick sees them try to clear their names and bring a squad of evil Blackwater-style mercenaries to justice.
The rest of the film is just one entertainingly stupid action after another fleshed out with one dose of witty banter after another as the team escape jail, clear their name and still find time for Face to romance a federal agent and for BA to find God.
While Neeson does his normal, dependable acting job and Bradley Cooper’s rakish charm is, surprisingly, rakishly charming and not too irritating, the breakout stars are Copley (District 9) and big screen debutante Quinton Jackson. The big man from Memphis parlays a career as a profession tough guy – he’s a top-ranked MMA fighter – and a big personality into an excellent revamp of BA, one you can be sure Mr T himself would be proud of.
Worth waiting for.
The best thing that can be said for Twilight: Eclipse is that there’s a trailer for The Runaways on it. It’s a flick based on the all-girl rock band of the same name that introduced the world to the likes of Joan Jett.
It stars Dakota Fanning and Kirsten Stewart and goes a long way to my theory that Stewart can act. Although if you haven’t seen Adventureland or even the trailer for her rock chick flick, then I can understand how preposterous that might sound.
The latest instalment of the teen vampire series continues to feature some of the better young actors of this generation in the worst possible light, with the aforementioned Ms Fanning showing up briefly to be evil and Anna Kendrick making a blink and you’ll miss it cameo as a non-vampire classmate of the always in demand Bella Swan. Bryce Dallas Howard also features but again the better the performer, the shorter the amount of time on screen.
For those who aren’t familiar with the books but still care about the story (what would THAT Venn diagram look like…) Twilight: Eclipse opens with Bella and Edward (Robert Pattinson) lying in a flowery, sunny pasture (the standard rules for vampires re: sunlight and bursting into flames not applying in Twi-land) deciding to get hitched and turn Bella into a vampire.
Matters are complicated, but made no less boring, by the twin worries of an impending attack by an army of super-strong, bloodthirsty newly born vamps and the fact that Bella may have some unresolved feelings for pinch-faced mini-hulk werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner).
The fact that Lautner’s constant shirtlessness gives rise to one of only two funny lines in the whole film is a small mercy to be taken from the young actor whose performance showcases his take on method acting: benchpress trees, eat steak and fleeeeeeex.
While The A-Team managed to get away with its ludicrous story by dint of its pace, liberal dose of one-liners and smashtastic set pieces, Eclipse has only bad acting, a lousy script and sluggish direction to tide it over. Even the titanic battle at the end is marred by a lack of drama and some slightly dodgy FX for the battling werewolves. A good night’s fun it sure ain’t.
Look on the upside though. After this, there’s only one film left to suffer through. Hopefully it won’t be split into two parts. Wait, what? Ah cr…